Confessions of a Teenage Loser

I wish I just had someone in my life that could understand me and everything I’ve been going through. Someone who doesn’t care what my sexual preference is…someone who could love me for who I am…

I don’t feel anything anymore.. All I feel is a vast emptiness and I don’t know what to do about it..

Her eyes,

Were hollow.

Hollow like my soul.

The kind of hollow,

That makes you perfectly and painfully aware that they’re gone.

The kind of hollow,

That tells you,

Nothing else is going to happen now.

The kind of hollow,

That can tear a persons emotions apart,

And it doesn’t matter if you think your emotional control is strong enough.

Its not.

I couldn’t even answer,

Your silent cry for help.

All I could do,

Is sit there,

And tell you,

“Its gonna be alright.”

And that,

If I was lucky,

I could manage between broken sobs and tears.

You wrapped your little paw,

Around my finger,

Trying to say,

“Help…”

It drove me to the edge of madness,

Because I simply Couldn’t help,

Not Wouldn’t.

The only things I had the ability to do,

Were hold you close,

And keep talking to you through it.

My tears,

Are an endless flow.

Not because you died,

If you were old,

I’d have expected it sooner.

But, you were only a few months old.

I don’t cry because you died,

No.

I cry because of How you died.

I cry because I will always be stuck with the feeling,

Of not being able to help.

I cry because I won’t be able to see you again.

That is why I cry.

I love you,

Always will,

Never will stop.

I’ll always love you,

No matter what.

By me. Jocelyn Waitkus.

Hi, my name is Jocelyn and I’ve been fucking everything up since August 30th, 1996.

Nice to meet you.

I’d rather be spending my time away from everyone and in nature than in a huge crowd of people all the time. I have no idea whatsoever as to how I can even manage to perform all the time. I’m finally realizing that it’s actually scary as fuck.

I have too much stuff on my mind lately to even function properly. I feel like I let down everyone in my life constantly, and that no matter what I may do, it’s not good enough.

Well, it’s taken me practically forever, but I’ve finally reached my 20th confession! :D

Here’s the confession, then!

I’ve been taking singing lessons for about two years now, and the first six months we focused on Musical Theatre, which is one of the types of music I love singing. Now? All we focus on is Classical, and Opera, and I really don’t like it. My singing coach has me singing a part in the opera that her company is putting on, and it really bothers me. I can’t even put my opinion out in the open, because I’m wrong. It doesn’t matter what I say in the matter. I am dead wrong, and I have no idea what I’m talking about. :/ 

Anyway, “Achievement Unlocked: 20th Confession!” <—- (xbox reference :P )

I feel so angry and sad and all those bad emotions almost all the time, and I’m hoping that the person I’m with now can help with all that. He’s very sweet, caring, and he’s just all around amazing. Even though he doesn’t think so, he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a while. <3